Sorry in three steps 🤝
How do I fix what happened? · 8 min
Tools to repair
How do I fix what already happened? · 12 min
Tools to repair
How do I fix what already happened? · 15 min
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“Sorry, okay!” Is that a real sorry?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
A real sorry has three steps:
- What I did: “I broke your headphones.”
- It was my fault: “It was my fault. I'm sorry.”
- How can I fix it?: “Can I help you fix them?”
Studies with adults say that what matters most in an apology is admitting it was your fault and offering to fix it. (Lewicki, Polin & Lount, 2016)
Real sorry or not?
“Sorry, okay!” (with an angry face)
Answer
No. It's a forced sorry.
“Sorry, but you started it.”
Answer
No. The “but” erases the sorry.
“I pushed you. It was my fault. I'm sorry. Are you okay?”
Answer
Yes!. It has all three steps.
“Sorry if it hurt.”
Answer
No. It doesn't say what you did or that it was your fault.
Lía broke Teo's headphones by accident. She's scared to tell him. The little voice says: “Say it was the cat.”
Lía breathes. She goes to Teo.
“Teo, I broke your headphones. It was my fault. I'm sorry. Can I help you fix them?”
Teo gets a little mad. Then he says: “Thanks for telling me.”
Let's practice
With toys or by acting it out, practice sorry in three steps.
First the adult says sorry to the child for something real (something small that happened). Then switch.
If you make a mistake, use the three steps.
Who do you owe a sorry?
Five tricky situations and how to beat the little voice in each one!
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. View source: Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
“Sorry if that hurt lol.” Is that an apology?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Researchers tested which parts of an apology matter most. (Lewicki, Polin & Lount, 2016) The two that matter most:
- Admitting it was your fault: “I went too far. It was my fault.”
- Offering to fix it: “What can I do?”
The one that matters least is asking to be forgiven.
What ruins an apology
The “but”, the “if that hurt”, the “lol” and doing it in public just to look good.
Be kind to yourself when you mess up
Punishing yourself doesn't make you better: it makes you hide. Being kind to yourself makes you want to repair more. (Breines & Chen, 2012)
Real apology or fake?
“Sorry if that hurt lol.”
Answer
Fake. It puts the problem on the other person and turns it into a joke.
“Sorry, but you started it.”
Answer
Fake. The “but” erases the apology.
“I went too far with the screenshot. It was my fault. I deleted it and asked the group to delete it.”
Answer
Real. It admits and repairs.
“Fine, sorry, happy now?”
Answer
Fake. It's a forced apology.
“Sorry, I was in a bad mood.”
Answer
Halfway. It explains, but it doesn't admit what you did.
“Dani, the screenshot thing was really bad. It was my fault. It wasn't a joke: I made you look ridiculous. I deleted it and asked the group to delete it. Is there anything else I can do?”
Dani takes a while to answer. “I don't know. But thanks for saying it.”
Not everything gets fixed in a day. But something started to change.
The overdue apology
Step 1 · Who do you owe an apology?
Step 2 · Write it with its parts.
Step 3 · Review it. Does it have a “but”, an “if that hurt” or a “lol”? Delete them.
Step 4 · Decide how and when to give it. In person is best.
If you mess up something small today, apologize with the two parts that matter most: “It was my fault” and “What can I do?”.
What's the hardest part of saying sorry for you?
Five difficult situations from real life. And what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. View source: Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
- Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. View source: Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.
“Sorry if you were offended.”
Is that an apology? Almost all of us feel it isn't. But why?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
What makes an apology work
Researchers tested apologies with six different parts, with 755 people, to see which parts mattered most. (Lewicki, Polin & Lount, 2016)
- Acknowledging responsibility: “It was my fault. I was wrong.” → The one that matters most.
- Offering to repair: “What can I do to fix it?” → The second.
- Expressing regret.
- Explaining what happened.
- Saying it won't happen again.
- Asking to be forgiven. → The one that matters least.
That's why “sorry if you were offended” doesn't work: it doesn't acknowledge anything. It puts the problem on the other person (“if you were offended”).
And that's why “sorry, but you also…” doesn't work either: the “but” erases everything before it.
Own your part, even if it's only part
In almost no fight is the blame 100% on one side. But you don't need to wait for the other person to admit their part before you admit yours.
Owning your part first often defuses the fight. It's Gottman's antidote to defensiveness. (Gottman & Levenson, 2000)
Be kind to yourself when you get it wrong
This sounds contradictory, but it isn't: being hard on yourself doesn't make you better. It makes you hide.
In one study, people who treated themselves kindly after a mistake were more motivated to fix it and improve than those who punished themselves or told themselves it was no big deal. (Breines & Chen, 2012)
Shame says “I'm bad” and leads to hiding. Responsibility says “I did something bad” and leads to repair.
Before a difficult conversation, think about what matters to you
When you know you're about to receive criticism or have a hard conversation, it helps to write for a few minutes about what matters most to you in life: your family, your friends, your honesty, doing your work well, whatever it is.
Remembering your whole worth means criticism in one area doesn't feel like a threat to everything you are. So you get less defensive. (Sherman & Cohen, 2006)
Real apology or fake?
“Sorry if you were offended.”
Answer
Fake. It puts the problem on the other person.
“Sorry, but you yelled at me too.”
Answer
Fake. The “but” erases the apology.
“I was wrong to say that in front of everyone. How can I make it right?”
Answer
Real. It acknowledges and offers to repair.
“Fine, sorry, happy now?”
Answer
Fake. It's a forced apology.
“I'm sorry. It was my fault we were late. Tomorrow I'll leave earlier.”
Answer
Real. Responsibility and repair.
“Sorry, I'm just really stressed.”
Answer
Halfway. Explaining is fine, but without owning the fault it sounds like an excuse.
In the morning meeting, Mara cut Omar off in front of everyone: “That makes no sense.”
In the afternoon she goes over to his desk.
“Omar, this morning I cut you off in front of everyone. I was wrong. Your point made sense and I didn't let you finish it. Will you explain it to me now? And tomorrow we'll pick it up again in the meeting.”
Omar looks at her for a second. “Thanks for saying that.”
There was no “but”. No “I was just stressed”. Only responsibility and repair.
The overdue apology
We all have an overdue apology. It could be from yesterday or from ten years ago.
Step 1 · Choose who. If no one comes to mind, think about your map of arguments (lesson 1) or your tally (lesson 4).
Step 2 · Before you write: write three lines about what matters most to you in life. This helps the apology not feel like losing.
Step 3 · Write the apology with these parts.
Step 4 · Review it. Is there a “but”? An “if you were offended”? Delete them.
Step 5 · Decide whether you'll give it, when and how: in person, in writing or in a call. You don't have to do it today. There's a day for it in the 7-day practice.
If the person is no longer in your life, or if approaching them could be dangerous for you, you don't have to give it. Writing it helps too.
If you get something wrong today, even something small, apologize with the two parts that matter most: “It was my fault” and “How can I fix it?”.
Who do you owe an apology? What's the hardest part about giving it?
Now you have tools for the moment and for afterward. But life doesn't give warning: it puts you in specific situations, with specific people, at the worst time.
The next lesson is the most practical in the whole route. Five difficult situations, and what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. View source: Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
- Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. Find reference: Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
- Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. View source: Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.
- Sherman, D. K. & Cohen, G. L. (2006). The psychology of self-defense: Self-affirmation theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 183–242. View source: Sherman, D. K. & Cohen, G. L. (2006). The psychology of self-defense: Self-affirmation theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 183–242.
Lesson 7 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youIf you make a mistake, use the three steps.
To take with youIf you mess up something small today, apologize with the two parts that matter most: “It was my fault” and “What can I do?”.
To take with youIf you get something wrong today, even something small, apologize with the two parts that matter most: “It was my fault” and “How can I fix it?”.
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