Facing envy
Sometimes another kid has something we want and we get a yucky feeling in our tummy. Let's learn to use envy to grow!
Your friend makes the team and you don't. Someone posts the perfect life. Envy doesn't make you a bad person: it's a signal. This route teaches you to use it to grow.
A coworker gets promoted, the neighbor gets a new car, a friend posts their vacation. Envy doesn't make you a bad person: it's a signal. This route teaches you to listen to it and use it to grow.
Lessons start at age 6. If you care for a younger child, here are ideas to plant this now, in everyday routines.
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Based on cited studies. Not yet reviewed by an outside professional.It starts before age 6
- When a new baby arrives, find time alone with the older child every day, even just 10 minutes.
- Name what they feel: “You miss when it was just you and me”. And don’t compare out loud, not even as a joke: “Your cousin is already walking”.
- Celebrate what others achieve together: “Your friend learned to ride a bike! Shall we clap?”.
- If they say “I want what he has”, don’t scold: “You really like it. What do you like about it?”. Wanting something isn’t wrong.
- No “why can’t you be like your sister?”. Each child gets their own measure.
It is normal: Jealousy when a baby arrives, even asking for diapers or a bottle again. It usually passes within a few months.
Source: Volling, B. L. (2012). Family transitions following the birth of a sibling: An empirical review of changes in the firstborn’s adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 138(3). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- Elmer
A patchwork elephant wants to be gray like everyone else, until he learns his colors are what make everyone smile.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
What you feel when someone else has something you want.
A hot face, a tight tummy and wanting to say "it's ugly!"
Learning new things from your friends and everyone playing together!
Feeling that someone has something you want.
Mockery, "I don't care," gossip, or never reacting to anything the other person posts.
Knowing what you really want, and friends you can learn from.
Feeling that someone has something you want, and not knowing what to do with it.
Criticism, gossip, silence when someone else does well, and hours looking at other people's lives.
Knowing what you really want, a plan to get it and the freedom to be happy for others.
Ten lessons, in order
Each one takes about 15 minutes (about 8 in the kids' version, done with an adult). We mark the next one for you, but they are all open.
- 10 short lessons
- Simulators to rehearse
- 7-day practice
- A badge at the end
- Songs for the road
- Books to read on
- Ideas for families, even before age 6
- Up nextThe mirror 🪞Does the little green bug bite me?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextIts disguises 🎭How do I recognize it?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhy does it bite? 🤔Where does the bug come from?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextIf the bug is the boss 🌧️What happens if the bug decides for me?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compass 🧭What is someone like who doesn't compete?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour tricks 🚦What do I do when it bites?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextFix it and say thanks 🤝How do I fix what happened?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTricky situations 💪What do I do if this happens?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextMy superhero plan 🦸What am I going to do?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYou made it! 🏅What changed?8 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy does it happen to all of us?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't handle it?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when it shows up?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools to sustain and repairHow do I leave it behind?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextDifficult situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?12 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy does it happen to all of us?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't handle it?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when it shows up?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools to sustain and repairHow do I leave it behind?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextDifficult situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?20 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?15 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
The image only has the badge, the route name and a quote. Nothing you wrote.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)Baz Luhrmann
Almost spoken, full of advice. One part is this whole route: don't waste time on jealousy, because the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.
- What a Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
Trees, sky, friends saying hello. Ordinary things, seen with gratitude.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)Baz Luhrmann
Almost spoken, full of advice. One part is this whole route: don't waste time on jealousy, because the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- Elmer
A patchwork elephant wants to be gray like everyone else, until he learns his colors are what make everyone smile.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- Mindset
Why other people's success can sting, and how to learn from it instead of comparing yourself.
View on Open Library
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- The Gifts of Imperfection
On letting go of measuring yourself against others and living as who you are.
View on Open Library
How to talk about this at home and in class
What teaches the most
- That they hear you really congratulate others.
- That they never hear you say "look at your brother."
- That they see you be grateful for what you have.
Phrases that help
Dinner game
The congratulations game: at dinner, everyone congratulates someone else in the family on something specific they did well that week. Nobody can repeat.
With teenagers
Don't compare them with siblings, cousins or friends' kids. If you see them down after looking at social media, ask what they were looking at, without mocking. And help them turn envy into a plan: "What would you need to get there?"
Before age 6
Routes start at age 6, but this is planted earlier. Ideas for everyday routines, no special sessions.
- When a new baby arrives, find time alone with the older child every day, even just 10 minutes.
- Name what they feel: “You miss when it was just you and me”. And don’t compare out loud, not even as a joke: “Your cousin is already walking”.
- Celebrate what others achieve together: “Your friend learned to ride a bike! Shall we clap?”.
- If they say “I want what he has”, don’t scold: “You really like it. What do you like about it?”. Wanting something isn’t wrong.
- No “why can’t you be like your sister?”. Each child gets their own measure.
It is normal: Jealousy when a baby arrives, even asking for diapers or a bottle again. It usually passes within a few months.
Source: Volling, B. L. (2012). Family transitions following the birth of a sibling: An empirical review of changes in the firstborn’s adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 138(3). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.