Make the team bigger 🤝
How do I do it? · 8 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when «them» shows up? · 10 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when «them» shows up? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Did you know you can make the team bigger whenever you want?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The three steps
- 🏷️ What's their name? When you hear «those kids» or «the others», think of one kid from that group, with their name.
- 🔍 How are we alike? Look for something you have in common.
- 🙋 Come join my team! Invite them to play, sit next to them or ask them something.
Blow up three balloons together with the circle.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
A new kid talks with a different accent. Your friends imitate him and laugh.
What do you do?
You laugh with them.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. 🙈 The kid is alone again.
«Hey, stop laughing! What's your name? Want to play?»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. 🤝 His name is Tomás, and he's awesome at soccer.
Lía remembers Martín, the boy in 4B who lends her his colored pencils. At recess, she invites him to play.
—But he's from 4B —says a friend.
—So what? —says Lía—. He's good.
Soon there are kids from both classes playing together. Nobody remembers who was in which class.
Practice the three steps
The adult says «Those kids are weird!». The child does the three steps: thinks of a name, finds something in common and comes up with a way to invite them.
Use the three steps once.
Who did you invite onto the big team?
How does the team get bigger in the whole school?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →«Them» shows up fast: in the chat, at recess, at the stadium. There's no time for a speech. But there's time for one sentence.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Swap «them» for a name. «The kids from that school» becomes «Joaquín».
- Ask yourself «how many do I know?».
- Don't share what takes away humanity. If a word is meant for a bug, it isn't meant for a person.
- Say something short: «They're not all like that». «I know one who isn't.» «Okay, stop.»
- Separate the idea from the person. «I don't like your team» isn't «you're trash».
- Look for what you have in common. Remembering what you have in common was among the things that most lowered hostility between opposing groups. (Voelkel et al., 2024)
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Valentina, a new classmate, came from another country. In the class chat someone posts a meme imitating her accent.
What do you do?
You send a laughing sticker.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. The meme reaches other classes.
You say nothing.
If you choose this one
Stays the same. The meme stays there.
«Okay, stop. Valentina is cool.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Someone else writes «true». Another person deletes the meme.
What worked: One short sentence is enough to stop contempt from seeming normal.
After the meme, Teo sees Valentina alone at recess. He goes over.
—How do you say «awesome» in your country?
Valentina laughs. She teaches him five words. Teo teaches her three. The next day, in the class chat, someone posts a photo of the two of them laughing. Nobody makes fun of her accent again.
Your phrases
1 · Where does «them» come up most?
2 · Choose three phrases.
Use a phrase when «them» comes up.
What happened when you used it?
How «us» gets bigger.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Voelkel, J. G. et al. (2024). Megastudy testing 25 treatments to reduce antidemocratic attitudes and partisan animosity. Science, 386(6719). Find reference: Voelkel, J. G. et al. (2024). Megastudy testing 25 treatments to reduce antidemocratic attitudes and partisan animosity. Science, 386(6719).
«Them» shows up fast: in a chat, at the table, at the stadium.
There's almost never time for a speech. But there's always time for one sentence.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Tool 1
Swap «them» for a name
When «those people», «outsiders» or «that party's lot» comes up, think of one specific person from that group. One with a name, a face and a story.
«Outsiders» becomes «Andrés». And with Andrés, «they're all the same» no longer sounds the same.
- Tool 2
Ask yourself «how many do I know?»
Before saying something about a whole group, ask yourself how many people from that group you really know. The answer is almost always few or none.
It's what you practiced on your map in lesson 1.
- Tool 3
Don't share what takes away humanity
Before forwarding something, check the words. If a word is meant for a bug, a war or garbage, it isn't meant for a person. «Plague», «invasion», «rats», «animals»: if the post uses them, don't share it.
- Tool 4
Say something short
You don't need a speech or to win the argument. One short sentence is enough to stop contempt from seeming normal:
- «They're not all like that.»
- «I know several who aren't.»
- «That's not okay.»
- «Would you say that in front of them?»
- Tool 5
Separate the idea from the person
You can completely disagree with what someone thinks and still not take away their humanity. «I disagree with you» isn't the same as «you're trash».
When the argument heats up, go back to the idea: «Let's talk about the law, not the people who support it».
- Tool 6
Look for what you have in common
Neighbors, parents, soccer fans, working people, people who want the best for their kids. There's always a bigger «us».
A study of more than 30,000 people tested 25 short ways to lower hostility between opposing groups. Almost all of them worked. The ones that helped most were remembering what they have in common and meeting a likeable person from the other side. (Voelkel et al., 2024)
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Sunday night. In the family chat, your uncle shares a meme: a photo of people arriving with suitcases and the words «Outsiders: all criminals».
What do you do?
You send a laughing emoji.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Three more relatives do the same. The meme becomes «what the family thinks».
You say nothing.
If you choose this one
Stays the same. The meme stays there. Nobody knows you disagree.
«I know several who aren't. Andrés, from the bakery, is the one who took grandma to the hospital.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. The chat goes quiet. Then your cousin writes: «That's true».
Your uncle: «Well, he's different.»
What do you answer?
«You're a racist and you always have been.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Your uncle takes offense. The fight goes on for days, and nobody thinks about Andrés.
«And how many more might be different? Maybe most of them.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Your uncle doesn't answer, but he doesn't share memes like that again that week.
You drop it in the chat. The next day you call him: «Uncle, that meme stuck with me. Do you know anyone who came from outside?».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. You talk for half an hour. Your uncle tells you his grandfather also came from another country.
What worked: What worked: you put a name instead of «them», you didn't attack the person and, when needed, you talked in private. Nobody changes their mind because they're insulted. Sometimes they change because someone shows them a person.
In the parents' chat for Lía's class, someone writes: «Since those kids from outside arrived, the class isn't the same».
Mara already has her phone in her hand. She remembers Rosa at the meeting, saying she was scared to leave her daughter at the gate.
She writes: «Rosa and Andrés's daughter is one of the best friends Lía has. I'm glad they came».
A few minutes pass. Another mom writes: «Me too». Then another. Nobody mentions «those kids» again.
That afternoon, Mara goes back to buy bread on the corner. Andrés saves the biggest one for Lía.
Your phrases and your moments
Step 1 · Your moments. Where does «them» come up most around you?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases for those moments.
Step 3 · Say them out loud, three times each. «I know several who aren't» is short and almost nobody can argue with it.
Step 4 · Rehearse. Think of the next place where you know «them» will come up. Which phrase will you use?
The next time «them» comes up in a conversation, swap it in your head for a name.
Which tool was hardest to use? What happened when you used it?
Tools for the moment stop hatred. But «us» grows another way: by getting to know each other, by doing things together.
In the next lesson you'll see what really brings groups closer, and why one voice can change what everyone sees as normal.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Voelkel, J. G. et al. (2024). Megastudy testing 25 treatments to reduce antidemocratic attitudes and partisan animosity. Science, 386(6719). Find reference: Voelkel, J. G. et al. (2024). Megastudy testing 25 treatments to reduce antidemocratic attitudes and partisan animosity. Science, 386(6719).
Lesson 6 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youUse the three steps once.
To take with youUse a phrase when «them» comes up.
To take with youThe next time «them» comes up in a conversation, swap it in your head for a name.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.