Why do they switch off? 🤔
Why don't I always notice? · 8 min
Where it comes from
Why don't I always notice? · 10 min
Where it comes from
Why doesn't it always come out? · 15 min
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Did you know that even babies have antennas?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- We're born with antennas. Scientists saw that even tiny babies get worried when someone cries. (Davidov et al., 2021) We all have them!
- They switch off when we're busy: playing, looking at a screen or in a hurry.
- They switch off when something scares us or embarrasses us: when someone cries and we don't know what to say.
- They switch off with people we don't know: with our friends they switch on easily, but with the new kid, or with the one nobody looks at, it's harder.
- Guessing doesn't work very well. When we try to guess what someone feels, we're often wrong. Asking works much better! (Eyal, Steffel and Epley, 2018)
True or not true?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«You either have antennas or you don't.»
Answer
Not true. We all have them, and they can be trained.
«If I guess what my friend feels, I'm always right.»
Answer
Not true. Better to ask!
«Crying is for babies.»
Answer
Not true. We all cry, grown-ups too.
«I can switch my antennas on whenever I want.»
Answer
True. You just have to look and ask.
When her friend Camila scrapes her knee, Lía runs to help her.
That same day, a boy from another class is alone in a corner, looking sad. Lía doesn't see him. Nobody sees him.
The face detective 🔍
The adult makes a face (happy, sad, angry, scared, tired) and the child guesses. Then the child asks: «What's wrong?». And the adult tells a short story.
Just for the adult: in schools in Canada, a program where a baby visited the class and children learned to read what the baby felt reduced fighting, according to their teachers. (Schonert-Reichl et al., 2012) Naming feelings at home («you look sad», «it seems like you're angry») helps children learn to see them.
Find someone nobody looks at and ask how they are.
When do your antennas switch off the most?
Martín's story.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016. View source: Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016.
- Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. View source: Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
- Schonert-Reichl, K. A., Smith, V., Zaidman-Zait, A. and Hertzman, C. (2012). Promoting children's prosocial behaviors in school: Impact of the "Roots of Empathy" program on the social and emotional competence of school-aged children. School Mental Health, 4(1), 1–21. View source: Schonert-Reichl, K. A., Smith, V., Zaidman-Zait, A. and Hertzman, C. (2012). Promoting children's prosocial behaviors in school: Impact of the "Roots of Empathy" program on the social and emotional competence of school-aged children. School Mental Health, 4(1), 1–21.
If your best friend posts a sad story, you message them right away. If someone from class you never talk to posts one, you keep scrolling.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
1. It starts early. Already in their first year, many babies show concern when someone near them is suffering. (Davidov et al., 2021)
2. In the teen years it can dip for a while, and then it comes back. In almost 500 teenagers followed for six years, concern for others went down in many boys between 13 and 16, and then went back up. In girls it stayed steady. (Van der Graaff et al., 2014) It doesn't mean you're a bad person: it's a stage. And it can be trained.
3. It's also a choice. We pull away because of the pain (feeling with someone hurts), the cost (if I notice, I have to do something) or the competition (it's hard to feel for someone you envy). (Zaki, 2014)
4. It has a blind spot. We feel more for our own people: our friend, the one who's like us. The rest we barely see. (Batson et al., 1995) That's why you have to widen the circle on purpose.
5. Guessing fails. Imagining what someone feels doesn't make you right. Asking them does. (Eyal, Steffel and Epley, 2018)
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«You either have empathy or you don't.»
Answer
False. It can be trained.
«If I understand them, I'm saying they're right.»
Answer
False. Understanding why someone feels that way isn't approving of what they did.
«If I put myself in their place, I know what they feel.»
Answer
False. Imagining doesn't make you right. Ask.
«Showing what you feel is weak.»
Answer
False. It lets others be there for you.
Dani posts a story: «Horrible day». Teo sees ten friends messaging him to ask what happened. Teo messages him too.
That same week, Lucas, the new kid, writes in the class group: «Can anyone explain the homework? I haven't been able to deal with anything this week».
Nobody answers. Neither does Teo.
When do you switch it off?
1 · Think of a time you weren't there for someone.
2 · Why was it?
3 · Who is outside your circle and might need someone to see them?
Ask someone you hardly ever talk to how they're doing.
Which reason comes up most for you?
A voice note in the middle of the night, and an emoji.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016. View source: Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016.
- Van der Graaff, J., Branje, S., De Wied, M., Hawk, S., Van Lier, P. and Meeus, W. (2014). Perspective taking and empathic concern in adolescence: Gender differences in developmental changes. Developmental Psychology, 50(3), 881–888. View source: Van der Graaff, J., Branje, S., De Wied, M., Hawk, S., Van Lier, P. and Meeus, W. (2014). Perspective taking and empathic concern in adolescence: Gender differences in developmental changes. Developmental Psychology, 50(3), 881–888.
- Zaki, J. (2014). Empathy: A motivated account. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1608–1647. View source: Zaki, J. (2014). Empathy: A motivated account. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1608–1647.
- Batson, C. D., Klein, T. R., Highberger, L. and Shaw, L. L. (1995). Immorality from empathy-induced altruism: When compassion and justice conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68(6), 1042–1054. View source: Batson, C. D., Klein, T. R., Highberger, L. and Shaw, L. L. (1995). Immorality from empathy-induced altruism: When compassion and justice conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68(6), 1042–1054.
- Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. View source: Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
You can cry at a movie.
And not notice that the person you live with has been struggling for a week.
How can that be?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
It starts early
A group of researchers followed 165 babies from three to eighteen months old. Already in their first year, many showed concern when someone near them was suffering. And the ones who showed the most concern were the ones who helped the most later on. (Davidov et al., 2021)
Empathy doesn't have to be invented. It was already there. What we have to do is look after it, because over the years it can switch off.
It's also a choice
Feeling with someone is partly automatic. But researchers propose that it's also partly a choice, even if we almost never make it on purpose. (Zaki, 2014)
Three things push us away from empathy:
- The pain: feeling with someone hurts, and we try not to feel it.
- The cost: if I notice, I might have to do something, and I don't have time.
- The competition: it's hard to feel with someone you compete with, or envy.
And some things pull us closer: wanting to be close to someone, feeling good, and caring what others think of us.
Knowing this gives you control. When you notice you're pulling away, you can ask yourself: am I pulling away because of the pain, the cost or the competition?
We switch it off to protect ourselves
In a series of experiments, people felt less compassion for a large group of suffering people than for just one. But only when they expected to be asked to help. Without that expectation, the large group moved them more. (Cameron and Payne, 2011)
It isn't coldness. It's that when we feel we won't be able to cope with something, we switch off what we feel before it asks something of us.
The same happens at home: when someone we love is really struggling, sometimes we pull away precisely because we don't know how to help.
It has a blind spot
Empathy isn't shared out equally. We feel more for the people close to us, for those who are like us, and for those who have a face and a story.
In one experiment, people who felt empathy for someone moved them up a waiting list, ahead of others who needed it just as much. (Batson, Klein, Highberger and Shaw, 1995)
That's why empathy alone isn't enough to be fair. You have to widen the circle on purpose: ask about the one who isn't in your group, the one you don't like, the one nobody looks at.
Guessing fails
«Put yourself in their shoes» is good advice, but it has a limit. In 25 experiments, imagining what another person felt or thought didn't make people more accurate. Sometimes it made them wrong with more confidence. What did work was asking them. (Eyal, Steffel and Epley, 2018)
Imagining brings you closer. Asking gives you the answer.
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«You either have empathy or you don't.»
Answer
False. It starts early, it can switch off, and it can be trained.
«If I understand them, I'm saying they're right.»
Answer
False. Understanding why someone feels that way isn't approving of what they did.
«If I put myself in their place, I know what they feel.»
Answer
False. Imagining doesn't make you more accurate. Asking does.
«You have to be strong and not cry.»
Answer
False. Showing what you feel isn't weakness, and it lets others be there for you.
On the news, a family has lost everything in a flood. Mara is moved.
—How awful. We have to help.
A week later, in the work chat, someone asks for help for a cleaner whose house flooded. Mara doesn't know her well. She sees the message, thinks «later», and never opens it again.
That same night, Teo walks through the living room with puffy eyes. Mara is looking at her phone. She says «good night» without looking up.
In one week, Mara used all three exits: she was moved by the family on the news because they had a face and a story; she didn't help her coworker because it was going to cost her something; and she didn't see her son because she was somewhere else. She isn't a bad person. She's a person with her empathy on autopilot.
When do you switch it off?
Step 1 · Remember a recent time you pulled away from someone's pain: you didn't call, you changed the subject, or you pretended not to see.
Step 2 · Find the cause. What pulled you away?
Step 3 · Your blind spot. Who do you feel little for, even though they're close? A coworker, a neighbor, someone in your family you don't get along with.
Step 4 · Finish the sentence.
Ask someone how they are without assuming the answer. And if they say «fine», ask again: «Really fine?».
Who is it hard for you to feel for? What do you think you don't know about that person?
A son who stops telling you things. An «it's not a big deal» repeated for months.
In the next lesson you'll see what failing empathy costs, and also what empathy without limits costs.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016. View source: Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016.
- Zaki, J. (2014). Empathy: A motivated account. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1608–1647. View source: Zaki, J. (2014). Empathy: A motivated account. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1608–1647.
- Cameron, C. D. and Payne, B. K. (2011). Escaping affect: How motivated emotion regulation creates insensitivity to mass suffering. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(1), 1–15. View source: Cameron, C. D. and Payne, B. K. (2011). Escaping affect: How motivated emotion regulation creates insensitivity to mass suffering. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(1), 1–15.
- Batson, C. D., Klein, T. R., Highberger, L. and Shaw, L. L. (1995). Immorality from empathy-induced altruism: When compassion and justice conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68(6), 1042–1054. View source: Batson, C. D., Klein, T. R., Highberger, L. and Shaw, L. L. (1995). Immorality from empathy-induced altruism: When compassion and justice conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68(6), 1042–1054.
- Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. View source: Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
Lesson 3 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youFind someone nobody looks at and ask how they are.
To take with youAsk someone you hardly ever talk to how they're doing.
To take with youAsk someone how they are without assuming the answer. And if they say «fine», ask again: «Really fine?».
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.