Let go of the magnet 💪
How do I let go? · 8 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when the reflex shows up? · 10 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when the reflex shows up? · 15 min
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Did you know you can let go of the magnet whenever you want?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The three steps
- ✋ Stop! When someone calls you or time's up, stop. Breathe like you're blowing up a balloon.
- ❓ What for? Ask yourself: why am I still going? Almost always, the answer is «for nothing».
- 👀 Let go and look. Put the screen down and look around: who's calling you? What are you missing?
Blow up three balloons together with the circle.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
You're playing on the tablet.
Teo: «Want to play ball?»
What do you do?
«Coming…» and you keep playing.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. 🧲 Teo goes to play with others.
You breathe, put down the tablet and say: «Let's go!».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. 💪 You play all afternoon and you win a game!
A few days later, Tita calls her again:
—Lía! Come and see the sky!
Lía is on the tablet. She feels the magnet. She breathes. She leaves the tablet on the sofa and runs to the window.
The sky is orange, pink and purple. Lía and Tita watch it together, without saying anything, until the sun goes down.
—This one was prettier than the other one —says Lía.
Practice the three steps
The adult calls the child's name («Come here!») while the child is playing with something. The child does the three steps: stop, what for?, let go and look.
Use the three steps once.
What did you see when you let go of the magnet?
How can we make the magnet pull less in the whole house?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →The reflex lasts one second. If in that second you ask yourself a question, the phone often goes back in your pocket.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- «What for?» before you unlock.
- When someone talks to you, lock it and look. Until they finish.
- If you have to answer, say so: «Hang on, I'll answer this and I'm back with you».
- The minute of silence: in line or on the bus, a minute without pulling it out.
- One thing at a time: homework, or videos.
- Use it to get closer: before opening a social app, message one person.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
You're watching a video. Dani sits down next to you.
Dani: «Hey, can I tell you something?»
What do you do?
«Yeah, yeah, go ahead», and you keep watching.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Dani says «never mind, later».
«Wait till the video's over.»
If you choose this one
Stays the same. When it's over, the bell rings.
You lock your phone and look at him: «Tell me».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Dani tells you he did badly on a test and he's scared to tell his parents. You help him figure out how.
What worked: Locking your phone and looking says «you matter» without a word.
Another pizza Friday. Teo puts his phone in the middle of the table.
—First one to touch it pays for the drinks.
Everyone laughs, but they put theirs down too. That night they talk for two hours. Dani tells them about his grandma, and this time everyone listens.
Your three moments
1 · Where does the reflex win most?
2 · One tool for each.
When someone talks to you, lock your phone and look at them.
What changed in the other person when you looked at them?
How to make it easier, without relying on willpower.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →The reflex lasts one second.
If in that second you ask yourself one question, the phone often goes back in your pocket.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Tool 1
«What for?»
Before you unlock, ask yourself: «What for?». If there's an answer («to call my sister», «to check the address»), go ahead. If there isn't, don't open it.
It's the question you've practiced since lesson 1. Now it's your first tool.
- Tool 2
When someone talks to you, lock it and look
If someone starts talking to you, lock the screen and look at them. Until they finish.
You don't need to hide it or make a big gesture. It's enough that your eyes are on the person and not on the screen. For whoever is talking, that's the difference between feeling important and feeling like an interruption.
- Tool 3
If you have to answer, say so
Sometimes something really is urgent. Then say it out loud: «Give me a second, I'll answer this and I'm back with you».
It's very different from answering in silence while the other person talks. This way, they know you see them, that it's an exception, and that you'll come back.
- Tool 4
The minute of silence
In line, at a red light, in the waiting room: go one minute without pulling it out. Look around. Think your own thoughts.
It's what you practiced in lesson 3. At first it's uncomfortable. Then that minute becomes a breather.
- Tool 5
One thing at a time
The meeting, or the chat. Dinner, or the screen. Your kid's homework, or email.
Doing two things at once makes you feel faster, but leaves you more stressed and with both half-done. Pick one, and do it fully.
- Tool 6
Use it to get closer
Before you open a social app, message or call one person. Just one.
That way your phone goes back to what it should be: something that brings you closer to people, not something that takes you away from the ones right next to you.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Sunday afternoon. Sam is reading a work email on the sofa. Lía comes running in with a sheet of paper.
Lía: «Dad, look what I drew!»
What do you do?
«Lovely, sweetheart», without looking up.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Lía waits a moment. Then she leaves the drawing on the sofa and walks away.
You glance at it for a second and go back to the email.
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Lía smiles, but goes to show it to someone else.
You lock your phone, set it aside and say: «Let's see, tell me what it is».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Lía sits next to you and explains every part.
In the middle of her explanation, the phone buzzes on the sofa. Another work email.
You glance at it while she keeps talking.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Lía stops: «Are you listening to me?».
You don't look. You stay with her.
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Lía finishes and asks if you can stick it on the fridge.
«Give me a second, I'll see if it's urgent and I'm back with you.» You look, it isn't urgent, and you come back.
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Lía waits, and keeps telling you.
What worked: What worked: you locked the screen, you looked at her, and if you had to check your phone, you said so out loud. Lía doesn't need you to never use your phone. She needs to know that when she talks to you, she comes first.
That night, Sam puts a basket on the table and drops his phone in it. He doesn't say anything. Mara looks at him, smiles, and drops hers in too.
Lía, who's 9 now, starts telling them something about school. Halfway through she stops, as always:
—Are you listening to me?
—Yes —says Sam—. I'm looking at you.
Lía keeps going. She tells them about recess, about her friend, about a new teacher. She talks for ten minutes straight.
At the end she says:
—Today you listened to the whole story.
Sam realizes he can't remember the last time that happened.
Your three moments
Step 1 · Your moments. Where does the reflex win most? Choose three.
Step 2 · One tool for each.
Step 3 · Your phrase. Write, in your own words, the phrase you'll use when you have to check your phone in front of someone. For example: «Give me a second and I'm back with you».
Step 4 · Rehearse. Think of the next moment today when you know the reflex will win. Which tool will you use?
When someone talks to you, lock your phone and look at them until they finish. Notice their face.
Which tool was hardest to use? What changed in the other person when you used it?
Tools for the moment work. But they depend on you remembering, and willpower gets tired.
In the next lesson you'll change what's around you so choosing is easier: alerts, the bedroom, the table and the house rules.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Lesson 6 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youUse the three steps once.
To take with youWhen someone talks to you, lock your phone and look at them.
To take with youWhen someone talks to you, lock your phone and look at them until they finish. Notice their face.
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