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← Facing envyLesson 1 of 10

The mirror 🪞

Does the little green bug bite me? · 8 min

For the adult joining in: Read together. There are no right or wrong answers. Share your own examples: “That happens to me too.” And something important: comparing them to siblings or classmates (“why can't you be like your cousin?”) plants envy. It's better to compare them to themselves: “Look how much better you've gotten since last month.”

The mirror

Does this happen to me? · 10 min

The mirror

Does this happen to me? · 15 min

Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.

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To start

Has another kid ever gotten something you really, really wanted? What did you feel in your tummy?

The idea

Sometimes, when someone has something we want, a little green bug bites us inside. It feels yucky: a tight tummy, a hot face, wanting to say “that's ugly!”.

That bug is called envy. It bites all of us. Even grown-ups.

You're not bad for feeling it. The bug is just telling you: “I like that.” What matters is what you do next.

Try it

Your mirror

The adult reads each sentence out loud and the child chooses.

Choose one option for each sentence.

I get sad when another kid gets a present.
I want to have the same things my friends have.
I say other people's things are ugly, even when I like them.
It's hard for me to say “congratulations!”.
I get mad when my brother or sister gets praised.
I'm a little glad when something goes wrong for someone else.
I feel other people have better things than me.
It's hard for me to see what I do have.

This doesn't measure your worth. It's a reflection, not a diagnosis.

The scene

Dani got the toy Lía wanted. He brings it to recess.

“It's ugly,” says Lía.

But it isn't ugly. Lía loves it. The little green bug spoke for her.

The exercise

Draw your bug ✏️

Draw what you imagine your little green bug looks like. Is it big or tiny? What face does it have? What does it say when it bites?

Then give it a name.

For today

Today you're a detective 🔍. When you feel the bug, say in your head: “I see you.”

To talk about

When was the last time the bug bit you?

What's next

The bug wears disguises. Let's find them!

Finish and go to lesson 2 →
To start

Think about the last time a friend told you something good: they made the team, they aced a test, someone texted them.

What did you feel first, one second before saying “nice”?

The idea

Envy is the sting you feel when someone else has something you want. Almost nobody says it out loud. But we all feel it.

It doesn't make you a bad person. It's a signal of what you want.

There are two kinds of envy (van de Ven et al., 2009):

  • The one that pushes you: “I want to learn to do that.”
  • The one that wants the other person to go down: “The coach must like him better.”

They start the same way. What changes is what you do next.

Before the mirror

Answer thinking about what you felt and did this month, not how you'd like to be.

Try it

Your mirror

Choose one option for each sentence.

It's hard for me to be happy when a friend does better than me.
I congratulate them, but inside it stings.
After scrolling, I feel my life is boring.
I look at other people's photos without writing to anyone.
I compare myself to my friends or my siblings.
I keep track of who's doing better.
When someone does well, I look for something to criticize.
I make jokes about people who stand out.
I'm a little glad when someone I envy gets something wrong.
I don't help people who have what I want.
It's hard for me to see the good things I have.
I feel it's never enough.

This doesn't measure your worth. It's a reflection, not a diagnosis.

The scene

The coach posts the starting lineup. Dani's on it. Teo isn't.

“Congrats!” Teo tells him.

That night, in the class group chat, Teo writes: “The coach must like him better.”

Teo doesn't hate Dani. They've been friends since primary school. But Teo wanted to be on that list too, and he didn't say that. He said something else.

The exercise · 6 min

The map of your comparisons

Step 1 · Think of three people you envied recently: friends, siblings, classmates, people you follow online.

Step 2 · For each one, answer. If you don't want to write, just choose.

Person 1
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?
Person 2
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?
Person 3
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?

Step 3 · Does anything repeat?

Step 4 · Finish the sentence.

For today

Notice just one time when you compare yourself to someone. Just notice.

Logbook

What was hardest to admit?

What's next

Envy wears disguises: a joke, “I don't care”, “it's not fair”. In the next lesson you'll discover its disguises.

Finish and go to lesson 2 →
Sources for this lesson
To start

Think about the last time someone told you good news. A promotion, a trip, a house, a baby, an award.

What did you feel first? Not what you said. What you felt one second before saying “that's great!”.

If it was a sting, you're not alone. That's what this route is about.

The idea

  1. What envy is

    Envy is the pain we feel when someone else has something we want. It could be an achievement, a thing, a relationship, other people's recognition or a life that looks easier. (Smith & Kim, 2007)

    It's one of the emotions we admit least. We say “I'm tired”, “I don't like them” or “it's not fair”. We almost never say “I'm envious”.

    And yet we all feel it. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's a signal that there's something you want.

  2. Two kinds of envy

    In studies in several countries, people described two different experiences. (van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2009)

    • The envy that pushes you up: “I want to learn to do that.” It makes you want to improve.
    • The envy that wants the other person to go down: “They must have had connections.” It makes you want them to do worse.

    Both start the same way: with the sting. What changes is what you do next. This route is about learning to choose.

  3. A warning before the mirror

    Envy hides very well, even from ourselves. So in the mirror that's coming, don't answer thinking about how you'd like to be. Answer thinking about what you felt and did this past month.

Try it

Your mirror

Choose one option for each sentence.

When someone close to me achieves something, it's hard for me to be truly happy for them.
I congratulate them, but inside I feel a sting.
After scrolling social media, I feel my life is less interesting.
I spend time looking at what others have or do, without writing to anyone.
I compare myself to my friends, my siblings or my coworkers.
I keep track of who's doing better than me.
When someone does well, I look for a reason to take credit away from them.
I talk about other people's achievements with a “yes, but…”.
I feel a little relief when someone I envy gets something wrong.
It's hard for me to help someone who has what I want.
It's hard for me to see the good things I already have.
I feel it's never enough.

This doesn't measure your worth. It's a reflection, not a diagnosis.

The scene

Sam and Mara are driving home after dinner with Omar. At dinner, Omar told them he's buying a house.

“That's great!” Sam said. “You deserve it.”

In the car, Sam drives in silence. After a while he says:

“With what he earns, his parents must have helped him.”

“Maybe,” says Mara. “Why do you say that?”
“No reason.”

Sam isn't angry at Omar. Omar has been his friend for fifteen years. The thing is, Sam wants a house too, and he feels behind. But he didn't say that. He said something else.

Envy almost never says its name. It speaks for us, in small sentences that sound like comments.

The exercise · 8 min

The map of your comparisons

Find a quiet place.

Step 1 · Remember. Think of three people you envied recently. They can be close or far: a friend, a sibling, someone at work, someone you follow online.

Step 2 · Write. For each one, answer:

Person 1
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?
Person 2
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?
Person 3
How close are they to you?
How important is that to you?

Step 3 · Look at all three together. Does anything repeat? We almost always envy people similar to us, in things that matter a lot to us. That's no coincidence: envy points right at what we want.

Step 4 · Finish the sentence.

You'll use it in lesson 3, when you learn to translate your envy.

For today

Notice just one time when you compare yourself to someone.

You don't have to change anything. Just notice. Who was it? About what? Did it make you feel more or less?

Logbook

What was hardest to admit in the mirror or in the map?

What's next

Envy almost never introduces itself by name. It disguises itself as criticism, silence, “I don't care” and even “it's not fair”.

In the next lesson you'll meet its eight disguises. And you'll find out which ones you use.

Finish and go to lesson 2 →
Sources for this lesson

What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.

Before you begin

Life slips by while we wait for it to start.

I'm not an expert in anything. I'm someone who gets things wrong a lot and is still learning how to live.

I made this place because happiness is almost never later: it's in the people close to you today, and in the day you're living right now.

You won't find sermons here. You'll find short routes to look at yourself honestly and change something, little by little.

It's always a good time to begin.

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