Your tricks 🚦
What do I do when it bites? · 8 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when it shows up? · 12 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when it shows up? · 15 min
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Did you know you can calm the little green bug down?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The traffic light
- 🛑 Red: stop. When you feel the bug, stop. Breathe as if you were blowing up a balloon, three times.
- 🟡 Yellow: name it. “The bug bit me.” And ask yourself: “What do I like about that?”
- 🟢 Green: congratulate and ask. “Congratulations! How did you do it?”
The balloon. Blow up three balloons together with the circle.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Dani arrives with the toy you wanted.
What do you do?
“It's ugly!”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. 😣 Dani gets sad and plays with other kids.
You breathe. “It's so cool! Can I play with it for a bit?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. 🙂 Dani lets you. You play together!
Practice the traffic light
The adult says a situation (“Your friend got a bike!”, “Your brother won a prize!”) and the child does the traffic light: stop, name it, congratulate.
Use the traffic light once.
Which color of the traffic light is hardest for you?
What do you do when the bug already won?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →The sting comes on its own. What you do in the next ten seconds is up to you.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
1 · Name it
“This is envy.” When you see it, it stops speaking for you.
2 · Translate it
Change “why him?” to “what do I want?”.
3 · Ask how they did it
There's almost always a story you didn't know.
4 · Congratulate for real
With questions, not a flat “ok”. Responding with interest to other people's good news makes friendships stronger. (Gable et al., 2004)
5 · Online, look less and write more
A message to someone is worth more than an hour looking at photos. Looking without talking to anyone feeds envy. (Verduyn et al., 2015) Muting whoever makes you feel bad is taking care of yourself.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Dani texts you.
Dani: «I made the team! 😱»
“ok”
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Dani notices you weren't happy for him. He doesn't tell you more.
“lol the coach must like you better”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Dani goes quiet. The friendship cools.
You breathe: “This is envy.” “That's awesome! You earned it. Will you help me train? I want to make it too.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. “Of course! Tomorrow after class?” Envy turned into a plan.
What worked: You named the envy, congratulated for real and turned the sting into a plan with your friend.
Your emergency phrases
Step 1 · Where does your envy show up most?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases.
Step 3 · Check who you follow. Mute at least three accounts that make you feel bad.
Use one phrase with a real piece of good news.
What happened to the sting after you used it?
How to leave envy behind, and how to fix what it already broke.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. Find reference: Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
- Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488. Find reference: Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488.
The sting comes on its own. You don't choose it.
What you do choose is what happens in the next ten seconds.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Tool 1
Name it without shame
When you feel the sting, say it in your head: “This is envy.”
It seems small, but it changes a lot. While you don't name it, envy speaks for you: it criticizes, goes quiet, gives up. When you name it, you see it. And what you see, you can handle.
- Tool 2
Translate it
Change the question. Instead of “why them?”, ask yourself “what do I want?”. It's what you practiced in lesson 3. Now it's about doing it in the moment, in two seconds.
- Tool 3
Ask how they did it
The envy that pushes you to improve shows up when you see two things: the other person's effort and a possible path for you. (van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2011)
The quickest way to see both is to ask: “How did you do it?”. There's almost always a story you didn't know.
- Tool 4
Congratulate for real
When someone tells you something good, there are four ways to respond:
- With interest and enthusiasm: “That's wonderful! How did you find out? What will you do first?”
- With a flat “nice”, and changing the subject.
- Taking something away: “Hopefully it won't be too much work.”
- Ignoring it: talking about something else, or about yourself.
Responding with interest and enthusiasm was linked to more satisfying relationships. (Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher, 2004) And there's more: when you ask and are truly glad, the sting usually goes down.
- Tool 5
Online, look less and take part more
Looking at other people's lives without talking to anyone feeds envy. (Verduyn et al., 2015) In one study, people who quit Facebook for a week felt more satisfied with their lives. The effect was bigger for those who used it a lot, just looked or felt envy. (Tromholt, 2016)
You don't have to leave social media. But you can:
- Write instead of just looking: a message to that person is worth more than ten minutes looking at their photos.
- Mute or unfollow whoever makes you feel less. It's not weakness: it's taking care of yourself.
- Remember it's a shop window. Nobody posts the bad day.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Your friend Dani calls you, happy. You both applied for the same job a month ago.
Dani: «They picked me! I start on Monday!»
You feel the sting. What do you say?
“Oh, nice. Hey, did you see what happened with…?”
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Dani notices the change of subject. She hangs up quickly. Her joy is left with nobody to share it.
“Lucky you. You must have known someone inside.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Dani goes quiet: “No, actually, I didn't.” The call turns cold.
You breathe: “This is envy.” “Dani, that's wonderful! Tell me everything. How did the interview go?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Dani tells you every detail. You can tell she called you for this.
Dani: «They asked about the project I did last year. I think that's what convinced them.»
“Oh. I didn't have a project like that.”
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Dani doesn't know what to say. The conversation turns to you.
“I'm so happy for you. And I'll confess I felt a little envious. Will you tell me how you put that project together? I'd like to do something like it.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Dani laughs: “Of course! I'll help you.” Envy turned into a plan, and the friendship came out stronger.
What worked: You named the envy in your head, celebrated your friend with real interest and turned the sting into a question. You didn't have to hide what you felt or bring her down.
Sunday night. Sam is looking at the photos of an old school friend: a trip around Europe, a new car, a house with a pool.
He feels the sting. He thinks: “This is envy.”
He asks himself: “What do I want?” And he answers: “I don't want a car. I want to rest. We haven't had a vacation in two years.”
He closes the app. He texts Mara: “What if this year we go to the beach for three days, even somewhere close?”
Your emergency phrases
Step 1 · Your moments. Where does your envy show up most?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases for those moments.
Step 3 · Say them out loud, three times each. “I feel a little envious, and I'm happy for you” is the hardest. It's also the one that brings you closest.
Step 4 · Tidy up your feeds. Check who you follow. Mute or unfollow at least three accounts that make you feel less.
Use one of your phrases with a real piece of good news.
Which phrase did you use? What happened to the sting after you said it?
Sometimes envy has already settled in: you've been comparing yourself for months, or you already said something that hurt someone.
In the next lesson you'll learn to leave it behind. And you'll discover the best antidote, which you train like a muscle.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795. View source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795.
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. View source: Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
- Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488. Find reference: Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488.
- Tromholt, M. (2016). The Facebook experiment: Quitting Facebook leads to higher levels of well-being. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 19(11), 661–666. View source: Tromholt, M. (2016). The Facebook experiment: Quitting Facebook leads to higher levels of well-being. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 19(11), 661–666.
Lesson 6 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youUse the traffic light once.
To take with youUse one phrase with a real piece of good news.
To take with youUse one of your phrases with a real piece of good news.
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