Why does it bite? 🤔
Where does the bug come from? · 8 min
Where it comes from
Why does it happen to all of us? · 12 min
Where it comes from
Why does it happen to all of us? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Why are you envious of your best friend's toy and not of a toy that belongs to a kid you don't know?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- The bug bites more with people who are close: friends, brothers and sisters, classmates.
- It bites more with things that matter to you. If you love drawing, someone else's drawing bites. If not, you don't even notice.
- The bug thinks life is a cake: if someone else gets more, you get less. But that's not true! Your friend having a toy doesn't take away yours.
- As you grow up, the bug bites less. In a study with kids from 7 to 13, the older ones felt less envy, and the kids who felt less envy shared more fairly. (Steinbeis & Singer, 2013)
True or not true?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«If I feel envy, I'm bad.»
Answer
Not true. It bites all of us.
«If my friend has more, I have less.»
Answer
Not true. What's theirs doesn't take away what's yours.
«The bug tells me what I like.»
Answer
True. That's why it's worth listening to.
«I can learn what the other kid knows how to do.»
Answer
True. Ask them how they do it!
Sara draws really pretty horses. The bug bites Lía.
Lía thinks: “What is the bug telling me?” And she discovers: “That I want to draw horses too!”
What is your bug telling you?
The child thinks of something that made them envious. The adult asks: “What is the bug telling you that you like?” Then switch: the adult shares one of their own envies.
Just for the adult: comparing them to siblings or classmates plants envy and doesn't motivate them. It's better to compare them to themselves: “Look how much better you've gotten.” And when they feel envy, don't scold them: help them name it and find out what they want.
When the bug bites you, ask yourself: “What do I like about that?”
What did your bug tell you that you like?
The story of Lía and the medal.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Steinbeis, N. & Singer, T. (2013). The effects of social comparison on social emotions and behavior during childhood: The ontogeny of envy and Schadenfreude predicts developmental changes in equity-related decisions. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 115(1), 198–209. View source: Steinbeis, N. & Singer, T. (2013). The effects of social comparison on social emotions and behavior during childhood: The ontogeny of envy and Schadenfreude predicts developmental changes in equity-related decisions. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 115(1), 198–209.
A celebrity buys a mansion. You don't care.
Your friend makes the team and you don't. You can't sleep.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We envy people close to us, in what matters to us
It hurts more when someone similar to you beats you at something that's part of who you are. (Tesser, 1988) If soccer matters to you, your friend's goal stings. If not, you don't even notice.
Life isn't a pie
We feel that if someone else gets more, we get less. People who think like that trust others less. (Różycka-Tran et al., 2015) In almost everything that matters (friends, what you learn, joy), what someone else gains doesn't take it from you.
Social media shows the shop window
You see the good photo, not the bad day. Looking without talking to anyone increases envy and lowers your mood. (Verduyn et al., 2015)
At your age, it weighs more
In a study with thousands of adults, envy was highest in the youngest and went down with age. (Mujcic & Oswald, 2018) You're not exaggerating: it's a stage when comparison feels strong. And it can be handled.
Two questions decide which envy comes out
Do they deserve it? Can I do it too? When you believe you can improve too, envy pushes you. (van de Ven et al., 2011) When you believe you can't, it makes you give up or attack.
The key: envy only helps when you turn it into a concrete step. If it just keeps going round in your head, it wears you down.
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«If I feel envy, I'm a bad person.»
Answer
False. We all feel it. What matters is what you do with it.
«Envy always motivates you.»
Answer
False. Only if you turn it into something to do. If it keeps going round, it wears you down.
«What you see online is real life.»
Answer
False. It's the shop window, not the behind-the-scenes.
«If he does well, I do worse.»
Answer
Almost never. In almost everything that matters, what someone else gains doesn't take it from you.
Teo writes in his notes: “I'm envious of Dani because he made the team.”
Below: “What I really want is… to play more. To improve my left foot.”
The next day he asks the coach: “What am I missing to make the list?”
Translate your envy
If the answer is “I don't want it that much”, that's a discovery too: sometimes we just don't want to fall behind.
Take your small first step.
What did you discover when you translated your envy?
A joke in the group chat. A friend of many years. A team. In the next lesson you'll see how they're connected.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Tesser, A. (1988). Toward a self-evaluation maintenance model of social behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21, 181–227. View source: Tesser, A. (1988). Toward a self-evaluation maintenance model of social behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21, 181–227.
- Różycka-Tran, J., Boski, P. & Wojciszke, B. (2015). Belief in a zero-sum game as a social axiom: A 37-nation study. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 46(4), 525–548. Find reference: Różycka-Tran, J., Boski, P. & Wojciszke, B. (2015). Belief in a zero-sum game as a social axiom: A 37-nation study. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 46(4), 525–548.
- Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488. Find reference: Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488.
- Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111. Find reference: Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111.
- van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795. View source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795.
A stranger wins the lottery. You don't care.
Your brother earns a little more than you at his new job. It keeps you up at night.
Why?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We envy people close to us, in what matters to us
Almost nobody envies a millionaire they don't know. We envy people similar to us: friends, siblings, coworkers, neighbors.
And not in just anything. It hurts more when someone close outperforms us in something that's part of who we are. (Tesser, 1988) If being a good cook matters to you, your brother-in-law's barbecue stings. If it doesn't, you don't even notice.
In one study, envy was strongest when people had just received bad news about something important to them, and the other person shone in exactly that. (Salovey & Rodin, 1984)
That's why envy is so useful, if you listen to it: it points right at what matters to you.
Life isn't a pie
Many of us feel that if someone else gets a bigger slice, ours gets smaller.
In a study in 37 countries, people who believed that “some people's success is other people's failure” trusted others less and had lower self-esteem. (Różycka-Tran, Boski & Wojciszke, 2015)
Sometimes there really is only one job. But in almost everything that truly matters (love, what you learn, joy, a good life) what someone else gains doesn't take it from you.
We compare our behind-the-scenes with other people's shop window
Online we see the best of everyone: the trip, the house, the degree, the good photo. We don't see the debts, the fights or the bad days.
In one study, using Facebook just looking, without writing or talking to anyone, worsened people's mood throughout the day. And it did so through envy. (Verduyn et al., 2015)
Two questions decide which envy comes out
When you feel the sting, your mind asks itself two questions, almost without you noticing:
- Do they deserve it? If you feel they do, envy is more likely to push you to improve. If you feel they don't, it pushes you to bring them down.
- Can I do it too? In one study, envy motivated people to perform better only when they believed improving was possible. When it seemed impossible, it didn't motivate. (van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2011)
Among marathon runners, the envy that pushes was linked to higher goals and better times. The envy that wants the other to go down, to abandoning the goal. (Lange & Crusius, 2015)
What almost nobody says
Envy really hurts. In a small study, feeling envy activated brain areas linked to pain. And when the envied person had bad luck, areas linked to reward lit up. (Takahashi et al., 2009)
It's not wickedness. It's something human worth knowing about, so it doesn't decide for you.
The most important thing in this lesson
There's an idea people repeat a lot: “healthy envy motivates you”. It's half true.
In a study that followed 18,000 adults for years, envy predicted worse mental health and lower well-being in the future. And it didn't predict more success. (Mujcic & Oswald, 2018)
Envy only helps when you do something with it: when you turn it into a concrete step toward what you want. If it just keeps going round in your head, it wears you down.
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«Healthy envy doesn't exist.»
Answer
False. There's an envy that makes you want to improve. But it only works if you turn it into action.
«If I feel envy, it's because I'm a bad person.»
Answer
False. We all feel it. What matters is what you do with it.
«Envy always motivates you.»
Answer
False. When it lasts, it's linked to worse mental health, not more success.
«If they do well, I do worse.»
Answer
Almost never. In almost everything that matters, what someone else gains doesn't take it from you.
«We envy people who are far away and have a lot more.»
Answer
False. We envy people who are close and similar to us, in what matters to us.
Sam keeps thinking about what he said about Omar in the car.
That night he writes in a notebook: “I envy Omar for the house.”
Below it he writes: “What I really want is… to stop paying rent. To have something of our own.”
And below that: “Is it possible? Not this year. In three, maybe, if we save.”
The next day he texts Omar: “How did you manage to save for the down payment?”
Omar sends him a ten-minute voice message.
Translate your envy
Step 1 · Choose. Go back to your map of comparisons (lesson 1) and choose the envy that weighs on you most.
Step 2 · Translate it.
Step 3 · If the answer was “I don't want it that much”. That's a discovery too. Sometimes we envy things we don't want: we just don't want to fall behind. Letting them go is freeing.
Step 4 · If the answer was “no”. Some things are out of your reach: another family, another body, another story. Write which part of it you can pursue in your own way.
Take the small first step you wrote down. If it's not possible today, set the date.
What did you discover when you translated your envy? Was it what you expected?
A forced smile. A comment in the hallway. That's how it started.
In the next lesson you'll see how a promotion that didn't go to Mara cost her a whole year.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Tesser, A. (1988). Toward a self-evaluation maintenance model of social behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21, 181–227. View source: Tesser, A. (1988). Toward a self-evaluation maintenance model of social behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 21, 181–227.
- Salovey, P. & Rodin, J. (1984). Some antecedents and consequences of social-comparison jealousy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 47(4), 780–792. View source: Salovey, P. & Rodin, J. (1984). Some antecedents and consequences of social-comparison jealousy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 47(4), 780–792.
- Różycka-Tran, J., Boski, P. & Wojciszke, B. (2015). Belief in a zero-sum game as a social axiom: A 37-nation study. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 46(4), 525–548. Find reference: Różycka-Tran, J., Boski, P. & Wojciszke, B. (2015). Belief in a zero-sum game as a social axiom: A 37-nation study. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 46(4), 525–548.
- Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488. Find reference: Verduyn, P. et al. (2015). Passive Facebook usage undermines affective well-being. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(2), 480–488.
- van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795. View source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795.
- Lange, J. & Crusius, J. (2015). Dispositional envy revisited. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(2), 284–294. View source: Lange, J. & Crusius, J. (2015). Dispositional envy revisited. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(2), 284–294.
- Takahashi, H. et al. (2009). When your gain is my pain and your pain is my gain. Science, 323(5916), 937–939. Find reference: Takahashi, H. et al. (2009). When your gain is my pain and your pain is my gain. Science, 323(5916), 937–939.
- Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111. Find reference: Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111.
Lesson 3 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youWhen the bug bites you, ask yourself: “What do I like about that?”
To take with youTake your small first step.
To take with youTake the small first step you wrote down. If it's not possible today, set the date.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.