Fix it and say thanks 🤝
How do I fix what happened? · 8 min
Tools to sustain and repair
How do I leave it behind? · 12 min
Tools to sustain and repair
How do I leave it behind? · 15 min
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If the bug already made you say something mean, can it be fixed?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Yes, it can! With sorry in three steps: what I did · it was my fault · how can I fix it?
- The best medicine for the bug is saying thank you. When you look at what you have, the bug bites less.
Real thanks or not?
“Thank you for my bike, I love it!”
Answer
🙂 Real thanks. You're looking at what you have.
“My bike is better than yours.”
Answer
🐛 It's the bug. It's the “I have more” disguise.
“Thank you, Grandma, for playing with me.”
Answer
🙂 Real thanks. The best things can't be bought.
“Sara, I said your mom helped you. It wasn't true. I'm sorry. Will you teach me how to draw horses?”
Sara smiles. “Yes! Today at recess?”
The thank-you jar 🫙
Find a jar. Each person writes or draws on a slip of paper something they're thankful for today, and puts it in the jar. At the end of the week, open it and read them together.
Put your first slip of paper in the jar.
Who do you want to say thank you to?
Five tricky situations!
Finish and go to lesson 8 →The older brother had everything and stayed outside the party. How much of what's yours are you looking at from outside?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Gratitude can be trained
Writing down what you're grateful for increased well-being in studies. (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) And more grateful people tend to feel less envy. (McCullough et al., 2002)
Watch out for gratitude in disguise
“At least I'm not as bad off as him” is comparing downward. It still keeps you competing.
Compare yourself to who you were last year
Not to others. There, the result is always yours.
If envy already did harm
A joke, a piece of gossip, a silence. It can be repaired: admit what you did and offer to make it right. If you dare, tell the truth: “I was envious.”
Gratitude or comparison?
“At least I'm not as bad at math as he is.”
Answer
Comparison. Comparing downward is still competing.
“I'm grateful my grandma made my favorite food.”
Answer
Gratitude. It looks at what's there, without measuring anyone.
“I have more followers than she does.”
Answer
Comparison. It's a competition wearing gratitude's face.
“I'm grateful I learned to play guitar this year.”
Answer
Gratitude. Comparing yourself to yourself does add.
“Dani, the jokes were wrong. It was envy: I wanted to be on that list too. Sorry. Will you show me how you train?”
Dani smiles. “I missed you at practice.”
The gratitude letter
Step 1 · Choose someone who helped you a lot and whom you never thanked.
Step 2 · Write to them: what they did, what changed because of it.
Step 3 · Decide whether you'll give it to them.
Step 4 · If envy hurt someone, also write the apology.
Before bed, three things you're grateful for today. Without comparing.
What was harder: the letter or admitting the harm?
Five real-life situations, and what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. Find reference: Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
- McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A. & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(1), 112–127. Find reference: McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A. & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(1), 112–127.
The older brother in the story had everything: the house, the father, the inheritance.
And he stayed outside the party, looking in through the window.
How much of what's yours are you looking at from outside?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Gratitude can be trained
In studies with randomly assigned groups, people who wrote each week about what they were grateful for had more well-being, especially more positive mood, than those who wrote about hassles or neutral events. (Emmons & McCullough, 2003)
And more grateful people tend to feel less envy and be less materialistic. (McCullough, Emmons & Tsang, 2002)
It's a link, not a magic formula. But it makes sense: envy looks at what's missing; gratitude, at what's there. And you can't look at both at the same time.
Watch out for gratitude in disguise
“At least I'm not as bad off as him” isn't gratitude. It's the same comparison, but downward. It still keeps you competing.
Real gratitude doesn't compare: “I'm grateful for this, because of this.” That's all.
Compare yourself to who you were
The most useful comparison isn't with others. It's with yourself a year ago. What did you learn? What changed? What did you achieve that you couldn't before? There, the result is always yours, and so is the path.
If envy has already done harm
Sometimes envy has already spoken: a piece of gossip, unfair criticism, information you didn't pass on, congratulations you never gave.
You repair it like any mistake: acknowledging what you did and offering to make it right. Those are the two parts that matter most in an apology. (Lewicki, Polin & Lount, 2016)
And if you want, you can add something brave: “I was envious.” Saying it disarms the other person, and you too.
Real gratitude or comparison in disguise?
“At least I'm not as bad off as my brother.”
Answer
Comparison. Comparing downward still keeps you competing.
“I'm grateful my mom called me today.”
Answer
Gratitude. It looks at what's there, without measuring anyone.
“Well, at least I have a job, unlike some people.”
Answer
Comparison. Your job is worth something on its own, not because others don't have one.
“Today I'm grateful for my quiet morning coffee.”
Answer
Gratitude. Small things count too.
“I'm grateful I have more friends than he does.”
Answer
Comparison. It's a competition wearing gratitude's face.
“I'm grateful I learned to drive this year.”
Answer
Gratitude. Comparing yourself to yourself does add.
Six months after the promotion, Mara asks Omar for ten minutes.
“Omar, I've treated you badly all this time. I kept information from you and pointed out your mistakes in front of everyone. It was my fault. I'll be honest with you: I was envious that you got promoted. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it right?”
Omar is quiet for a moment.
“Thank you for telling me. Honestly, I felt strange too. Do you want me to help you prepare for the next position?”
The gratitude letter
Step 1 · Choose someone who helped you get where you are and whom you never thanked as they deserve. A teacher, a relative, a boss, a friend.
Step 2 · Write them a letter: what they did, in detail; what changed in your life because of it; where you are today, and which part of that is theirs.
Step 3 · Decide whether you'll give it to them, when and how: in person, read out loud, in writing or in a call. There's a day for it in the 7-day practice.
Step 4 · If envy did harm. If someone envy hurt came up in earlier lessons, also write the apology: what you did, that it was your responsibility and how you'll make it right.
Before bed, write three things you're grateful for today and why. Without comparing to anyone.
What was harder: writing the gratitude letter or acknowledging the harm envy did?
Now you have tools for the moment and for afterward. But life puts you in specific situations: someone else's promotion, your friend's news, the favorite sibling, everyone's vacation.
The next lesson is the most practical in the route. Five situations, and what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. Find reference: Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
- McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A. & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(1), 112–127. Find reference: McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A. & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(1), 112–127.
- Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. View source: Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
Lesson 7 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youPut your first slip of paper in the jar.
To take with youBefore bed, three things you're grateful for today. Without comparing.
To take with youBefore bed, write three things you're grateful for today and why. Without comparing to anyone.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.